so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
