I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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