I will die if light touches me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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