when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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