I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
