Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
