She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
