Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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