I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
