More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
