I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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