I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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