im six kinds of drunk right now
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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