i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
