He uses pillows to masturbate.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
