I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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