i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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