You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
