Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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