You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
