True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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