Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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