Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is this like a preordered booty call?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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