Sober January is a disaster.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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