Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
