i already hear my dad disowning me
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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