btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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