I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you didnt know i had herpes?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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