I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
