I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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