My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
