I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He has the fingertips of a God
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
