he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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