i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
