i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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