Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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