you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
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He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
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She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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