and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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