Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
