I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
