New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
