I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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