he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
