is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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