when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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