The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
