I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
