I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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