Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
