I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Sext me about skeletons
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
