Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
