Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
