You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
