i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
All the doctor said was why
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
