End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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