i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
