I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
