I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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