My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
